SP: The Sean Paytons

Infield: First baseman Steven Pearce (2007- ) can’t break into the Pittsburgh Pirates lineup full-time. That’s not a good sign. Second baseman Shannon Penn (1995-96) stole a lot of bases in the minors but never stole any in his brief major-league career, primarily because of his inability to get to first base. Third baseman Stan Papi (1974-81) was an absolutely useless hitter who hung around for six years, with four different teams, because he was versatile enough to play any infield position reasonably well. Shortstop Salty Parker (1936) had 2,000 hits in the minors – he started at age 17 and hung around until he was 40 – but his major-league career was limited to a handful of at-bats for Detroit in 1936.

Outfield: Center fielder Spotswood Poles was one of the great stars of the Negro Leagues, a switch-hitter with great speed. He played at the same time as Cobb and Speaker, and he was sometimes compared to them. According to records that were kept at the time, he batted .610 in exhibitions against major-leaguers. Not three-ten or four-ten, but six-ten. Yeah. Left fielder Scott Podsednik (2001- ) is a mediocre player who is beloved and overrated by those who value “scrappiness” over actual productivity. He’s a .277 hitter who has led the league in steals once and caught stealing twice. He’s a good defensive outfielder and he’s not terrible offensively, but he’s nothing special. On this team, he is without question the second best hitter in the lineup, which is scary. Right fielder Steve Pegues (1994-95) batted .361 in a brief trial split between Pittsburgh and Cincinnati in 1994, but he quickly came back down to earth after that.

Catcher: Si Pauxtis (1909) took a law degree from Penn, which is more impressive than anything he ever did on the baseball field.

Rotation: Satchel Paige might have been the greatest pitcher who ever lived. He is the greatest legend of the Negro Leagues, rivals Ruth as the greatest legend of baseball in general, and it’s a good thing that he was a workhorse, because he will be ridden hard in this rotation. He had a powerful fastball, pinpoint control and an unerring intelligence on the mound. Plus which, he was a colorful character, a brilliant raconteur and a man who was equally comfortable with common fans or with Louis Armstrong and Joe Louis. By the time he made it to the majors he was 41 years old, and big leaguers still had trouble hitting the guy. When he was done in the majors, he hung around until he was 60, signing one-day contracts to come out and pitch for minor-league teams looking for an attendance boost. The only reason this team exists is to give Satchel Paige and Spot Poles a field on which to play, and the rest of the roster added together doesn’t begin to touch these two ballplayers. Aruban right-hander Sidney Ponson (1998- ) was in the Orioles rotation at age 21 and was expected to be a star, but it never materialized. It all just sort of blew up amid DUI arrests, brawls on the beach, positive tests for banned stimulants and ballooning weight. On the bright side, he was knighted by Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands, which is nice, and he is the cousin of Radhames Dykhoff, which is only worth mentioning because it’s fun to say “Radhames Dykhoff.” Ponson hung around as long as he could, until he went 1-7 for the Royals in 2009 and then got clobbered in an independent league in 2010. He's still in his mid-30s, so he would probably give it a go if someone made him an offer, but that seems unlikely. His career record is 91-113, but he'll need to develop a knuckleball or a submarine delivery or something if he wants to go for 100 wins. Steve Parris (1995-2003) won 44 games and on the whole pitched alright for four teams. Scott Perry (1915-21) went 20-19 for a terrible Philadelphia A’s team in 1917, posting a 1.98 ERA when no one else on the team was below 3.00. That season accounted for half of his career victories and more than a third of his career innings. Steve Peek (1942) got a few starts for the Yankees in 1941.

Bullpen: Scott Proctor (2004- ) has been a durable setup man for the Yankees and the Dodgers. He saved a game in 2006, and he’ll start out as the closer here, although Satch might take the ball from time to time on days when he’s not starting. Stan Perzanowski (1971-78) is the cousin of Ron Perranoski, who was a much better pitcher, which means it’s probably more significant than being the cousin of Radhames Dykhoff. Perzanowski was never as good a pitcher as his cousin. Skip Pitlock (1970-74) was a sub-mediocre lefty. Stan Pitula (1957) pitched briefly for the Indians. Slicker Parks (1921) wasn’t a very good pitcher, but he had a great name (and you wonder if he had a brother named Galoshes). Steve Phoenix (1994-95) was actually born in Phoenix. Really. He pitched in three major-league games, pitched poorly, but you never know, he might … oh, forget it … you don’t really need to see a joke about rising from the ashes. He’s a guy named Phoenix who was born in Phoenix. That’s enough.

Bench: Scott Pose (1993-2000) was a weak-hitting outfielder. Santiago Perez (2000-01) was a .188 hitter who played shortstop and outfield. Sandy Piez (1914) was a pinch-runner who appeared in 37 games for the 1914 New York Giants, but only came to the plate eight times and only stepped into the outfield five times. He did bat .375 in those eight at-bats, so that counts for something. Stan Palys (1953-56) was an outfielder who didn’t hit much. Steve Partenheimer (1913) was a third baseman who never got a hit in the majors. If he can learn to catch, he could actually see some playing time on this team.

Manager: Sam Perlozzo was actually as good as the starting infielders on this team, but we’ll spare him the player-manager duty and let him focus squarely on the task of managing this roster. He’ll start by telling Satch that he can pitch on any day that his arm feels OK, and he’ll pencil in Poles and Podsednik at the top of the batting lineup … and then he’ll scratch his head a lot and frown.