Infield: Sonny Jackson (1963-74) played shortstop for the Braves and once stole 49 bases in a season. He wasn't really that good, but he could run. That's something. First baseman Skip James (1977-78) hit .167 and didn't do much of anything in the majors. Third baseman Spider Jorgenson (1947-51) could get on base a bit, which is the most important skill for a hitter, but he didn't hang around long. Second baseman Spook Jacobs (1954-56) hung around for a short time, too. The Spook wasn't as good as the Spider, but he played for a few years. These guys would be fine backup infielders. As starters, they're not so hot.
Outfield: Center fielder Sam Jethroe (1950-54) was a speed burner who split his career between the Negro Leagues and the majors and who could run like crazy. He was a 33-year-old rookie in the majors and still led the NL in stolen bases in each of his first two seasons, winning the 1950 Rookie of the Year award for the Boston Braves. Right fielder Stan Javier (1984-2001) was fast enough to steal 246 bases and was a fine defensive outfielder. And this team needs those two speedsters to cover ground in the outfield, because the left fielder is the immortal Smead Jolley (1930-33), who was a very good hitter but whose career in the majors had a late start and an early end because of his absolute inability to catch the ball. Jolley's minor-league career is legendary - .367 with 3,000 hits including more than 600 doubles and 300 home runs - and when he got his chances in the majors he established himself as a .300 hitter with enough power to drive in 100 runs a year. But a coach once compared his defense to watching a small child try to catch a soap bubble. Anecdotes abound about, for example, the time he misjudged a fly ball while running up the hill in front of an outfield fence, and then made a bad adjustment and ended up skidding back down the hill on his face.
Catcher: Skip Jutze (1972-77) was a terrible hitter, but very consistent.
Rotation: Sad Sam Jones (1914-35) bounced around the American League for two decades and won 229 games. He had the distinction of winning World Series titles with Babe Ruth in both Boston and New York. There's no real indication of why he was so sad, but apparently he was. Toothpick Sam Jones (1951-1964), who always pitched with a toothpick in his mouth, bounced around both leagues for 12 years and won 102 games. Pitching for the Giants in 1959, he led the NL in wins (21) and ERA (2.83). Sad Sam and Toothpick Sam will room together on the road to avoid confusion. Si Johnson (1928-47) won 101 games, but he lost 165. Stuart "Slim" Jones was a lefty fireballer in the Negro Leagues whose meteoric career came crashing down to Earth in large part because of his drinking and high living. Sig Jakucki (1936-45) pitched briefly and ineffectively for the Browns in 1936, and he came back and logged a couple of years for the Brownies during World War II in his mid-30s.
Bullpen: There's no obvious closer here, but we'll start with Syl Johnson (1922-40) because he has a long track record and seems to be at least a little bit dependable. Steven Jackson (2009- ) pitched well for the Pirates as a 27-year-old rookie but has done nothing since then to instill confidence. Sheldon "Available" Jones (1946-53) was pretty decent, and Sherman "Roadblock" Jones (1960-62) was not altogether terrible, but taken together, the Sheldon Joneses have even better nicknames than the Sam Joneses. Steve Jones (1967-69) was a lefty who pitched for three teams in three years, including the expansion Royals. Stacy Jones (1991-96) pitched a total of six games and didn't get hammered. He'll get the chance to pitch more in this bullpen. Sheriff Jones (1897-1902) doesn't really belong here, because he was primarily known by his given name (Jim) rather than his nickname, and besides that, he was actually a weak-hitting outfielder who only pitched a few times in his career. Under the circumstances, those qualifications will earn him mop-up time on this team.
Bench: Outfielder Stan Jefferson (1986-91) couldn't hit much, but he was fast, so he can be the defensive replacement for Smead Jolley. Shortstop Steve Jeltz (1983-90) was as weak a hitter as you can be and still play regularly for a few years. He was a switch-hitter who made outs from either side of the plate. Spud Johnson (1889-91) actually hit pretty well and played some outfield and third base. He'll be this team's ace pinch hitter. Sam Jackson (1871-72), not to be confused with the guy from "Snakes on a Plane" (namesake of this fine team), was something of a second baseman. Slats Jordan (1901-02) played one game at first base in 1901 and went 0-for-3. He played one game in the outfield in 1902 and went 0-for-4. On this team, he's being groomed to be the backup catcher, just because someone's got to.
Manager: Sonny Jackson, who coached in the majors for several years, will be player-manager.
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